By now I'm sure you're abundantly aware I've trained with multiple family support educators. But did you know I was also trained as cabin crew, both long and short haul? It was a life before becoming a sleep-deprived, vomited-on, pooed-on, problem-solving, wrestling-referee parent. Now I think about it, as cabin crew I did all of those things too!
I've always known I wanted to be a parent. Originally I wanted to train as a play specialist, but that wasn't to be. That's a story for another day. During my international flying career I was able to observe so many parenting styles and cultures. It's fascinating to see how we all approach bringing up the generation who will inevitably look after us one day.
One of the cultures I really appreciated was one where, if a child cried on the flight and the parent was starting to get flustered, another person would help by holding the child for a moment to soothe them. This gave the flustered parent time to breathe and calm themselves. Taking a little time out also helped stop the child picking up on their caregiver's fluster. We know our children are far more intuitive than we are, because they use the survival part of their brain. It's all part of an inbuilt survival system from a previous life where everything wanted to kill us. It also means that, if triggered, we all go on high alert to ensure survival. During the flight, that simple helping hand allowed everyone to find calm and have their needs met. We often had the challenge of making sure everyone left with the correct child at the end of the flight!
When you're thinking about your own or your bundle of joy's behaviours and reactions, take a moment to wonder what influence cortisol and brain development might be having. High levels of cortisol (stress hormones) shift activity away from the neocortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational decision-making, long-term planning and emotional regulation. Instead, the influx of cortisol moves us over to using an area called the mammalian brain, which handles fear, instinct and emotional reactivity. In short, if you try to soothe a child while you yourself are the opposite of calm, it's incredibly challenging and goes against all your prehistoric programming.
I'm not suggesting that handing your infant to a complete stranger on the street is the way forward. Safety and stranger danger are paramount, clearly. What I am suggesting is that "modern parenting" is really tough, especially when your local tribe is small or your support feels limited.
You're not a failure. Your anxiety and stress are part of life, especially in a culture built on "keep calm and carry on". Quite frankly, that English nonsense can do one! We need to know it's okay to stop. There's no pressure to keep calm all the time. You're human, not a robot, so take a breath, let go of the pressure for perfection and consider your options. Don't carry on with what isn't working, and give yourself permission to make the changes you need to be that wonderfully imperfect parent.
Maybe now is your time to find your tribe, to drop the pressure of doing it all alone. Solo, or in a partnership, parenting still brings a million questions and a lot of time where it's you, Google and the socials searching for answers.
We're right here waiting for you at No Perfect Parent Company CIC. Come knowing there will be no judgement, some options and help figuring out the complicated maze that is baby-making and parenting.
So who are we? Jodie, an accredited sling consultant and calm family consultant, founded us with Emma and Louisa, who are both registered midwives. Our aim is to bridge the gap between clinical care and community parenting. We offer judgement-free support and signposting, and we're building strong local connections for every kind of family.
Here's what's coming up, all at Patch:
🎪 No Perfect Family Fair: Saturday 3rd October, 11am–3pm. Come along and meet us.
📅 Weekly Tuesday sessions: From Tuesday 6th October, then every Tuesday at 6.30pm. The first two weeks are relaxed, general sessions. Our full curriculum starts after half term. Use the code Friends and the main session will be free.
We're a non-profit CIC, so every bit of surplus goes back into community assets like our Sling Library and Cloth Nappy Library. We're also working hard to secure grants so we can offer as many free places to families as possible.
Want to get involved, or just have a question? Find us on Facebook or email hello@noperfectparent.com. If you need help finding your community, reach out.
More from Jodie: her reflections on parental self-judgement and end-of-summer guilt.
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